Blondie again!...

The Blonde Police Applicant 

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The captain says they can’t just turn her away, and orders to desk officer to ask her a few questions as if doing an interview.

Not having any idea what to ask her to disqualify her application, the officer asks, “What’s 2+2?”

“Ummm… 4!” the blonde says.

Dang, the officer thinks, so tries a harder one: “What’s the square root of 100?”

“Ummm… 10!” the blonde says.

“Good!” the officer says, deciding to switch from math to history. “OK, who killed Abraham Lincoln?”

“Ummm… I don’t know,” she admits.

“Well, you can go home and think about it,” he says, “and come back later and tell me what you’ve figured out.” He figures that’s the last he’ll see of her.

The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job.

"Not only did I get the job", the blonde says, "but I've already been assigned to a murder case!".

more blondes HERE....

More blondes...

IT HURTS!!

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

'Impossible! ' says the doctor. 'Show me.'

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, and then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee andscreamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you? '

'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'

 'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'your finger is broken.'

NOT SO DUMB

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York.

The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me five dollars, and vice versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, 

"Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question:

"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

"Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn."

She asks,

"What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references ... no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress ... no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers but to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.

The blonde thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, stirs the blonde and asks,

"Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

The Little shit on your lap

A ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Essex. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: 

I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination, against not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humour!

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologise, and the blonde yells,

You stay out of this mate! I'm talking to that little shit on your lap! 

A pair of shoes at a reasonable price

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.

She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated, the blonde shouted, 

"Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said,

"By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he saw a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.

The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back and, frustrated, shouts out,

"Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

Blondie...

Pink Rubik's Cube for Blondes

A BLONDE ON AN ESCALATOR

A BLONDE IN AN ELEVATOR

An attractive blonde and a handsome man step into the same elevator.

The blonde sighs happily and says 'TGIF', and is surprised when the man replies 'SHIT'.

The blonde thinks perhaps he didn't hear her correctly,

so she repeats it once again: 'TGIF!' and once again the man replies 'S H I T'.

Finally, the blonde explains 'Sir, TGIF = Thank God it's Friday!'

Stepping out of the elevator, the man smirks and says 'S H I T = Sorry Honey, It's Thursday.'

A BLONDE AT AN OFFICE

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted 'CRAZY' then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, so that the Boss would think I was 'CRAZY'and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked 'What are  you doing?' I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, 'You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.' I jumped down and walked out of the office.

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, The Boss asked her ... 'And where do you think you're going?'

She said, 'I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!'

Blonde "Handy Woman"

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch," he said, "how much will you charge me?"

The blonde, after looking about, responded, "How about £50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should; she was standing on it. Do you think she's dumb?"

"No", replied the wife. "I guess I'm guilty of being influenced by all the 'dumb blonde' joke emails we've been receiving."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the £50.00 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

 

Blondie On A Plane

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP, AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS, AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.

SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS, AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY, AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.

THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M  GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.

THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."

HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY..

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.

"I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO ".

Blondie - A Year In Review...

Beginning of New Year

Weeding my yard, accidentally cut off the tail of my cat which was hiding in the grass. Rushed the cat, along with the tail over to WALMART!

WALMART???

HELLOOOOOOOOO!
WALMART is the largest retailer in the world!!!

January

Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February  

Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels..... 

Helllloooo!!!.....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!! 

March

Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months....box said "2-4 years!"

April

Trapped on escalator for hours..... power went out!!!

May

Tried to make Kool-Aid..... wrong instructions.... 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June

Tried to go water skiing..... couldn't find a lake with a slope. 

July

Lost breast stroke swimming competition..... learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August 

Got locked out of my car in rainstorm..... car swamped because soft-top was open. 

September 

The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October

Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November

Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days. Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!! 

December

Couldn't call 911...."duh"........ there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!



End of Year Sale

Asked the salesman for 15-inches sized pink coloured curtain.  

"Fifteen inches???" asked the salesman.

Told him that they aren't for a room; they are for my computer monitor.

"But Miss, computers do not need curtains!"

"Hellllooooooooo ............. I've got Windoooooows!"

What a year!!