• The easiest way to make your old car run better, is to check the prices of new car.
• Sometimes when I reflect back on all the ciggarettes I smoked, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the ciggarette & think about the workers in the ciggarette factory and all of their hopes and dreams. If I don't smoke this ciggarette, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered, Then I say to myself, it's better that I smoke this ciggarette and let their dreams come true then be selfish and worry about my LUNGS.
• Several women appeared in court, each accusing the other of the trouble in the flat where they lived. The judge called for orderly testimony. "I'll hear the oldest first," he decreed. The case was closed for lack of evidence.
• A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to allow his wife to drive his prize possession...even to the grocery store which was a few blocks from the house. After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she departed, "Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print your age!"
• My wife thinks "freedom of the press" means no-iron clothes.
• When the best actors are chosen by other actors, it's called the Oscars. When the best actors are chosen by the people, it's called an election.
• "Take a pencil and paper," the teacher said, "and write an essay with the title 'If I Were a Millionaire'"Everyone but Philip, who leaned back with arms folded, began to write furiously. "What's the matter," the teacher asked. "Why don't you begin?"
"I'm waiting for my secretary," he replied.
• What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer? A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.
• Nurse: A beautiful woman who holds your hand for one full minute and then expects your pulse to be normal
• A French in a hotel in NY, phoned room service for some pepper.
Attendant: Black pepper or white pepper?
French: Toilette pepper!
Curtains For The Windows
A blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman,
"I would like To buy a pair of pink curtains". The salesman assures her that they have a large election of pink curtains.
He shows her several patterns, but the blonde seems to be having a hard time choosing.
Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print.
The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs. The blonde promptly replies, "fifteen inches"
"Fifteen inches???" asked the salesman.
"That sounds very small, what room are they for?" The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room; they are for her computer monitor.
The surprised salesman replies, "but Miss, computers do not need curtains!"
The blonde says, "Hellllooooooooo ............. I've got Windoooooows!"